Prostate Cancer - A Very Personal View

2008-08-06T06:56:00.005-04:00

Sitting in my doctor’s office waiting on my annual physical, was not particularly stressful, since I felt fine with no big issues. I went into the exam room, undressed, put on the poor excuse of a robe, and sat down on the table and waited. My doctor came in with some concern on his face. This was another major “Stop Sign” in my life. He told me he had gotten results of my blood tests, and that I had better go to see an Urologist, since my PSA had gone up. We took another test a month later just before the Urologist’s visit and found that the PSA had gone up by a full point in one month!

After several, what I would call, embarrassing examinations with the Urologist, I was sitting at his desk, believing that it had to be some type of infection and it could not be cancer. Four years before, I had been diagnosed with colon cancer. They removed a couple of inches from it and said I was fine. This can’t be cancer because I have already had my cancer. One of the very worst parts of cancer is being told that you may have cancer. Your mind races from denial, to anger, to fear. - - The next hardest part is waiting for the test results. I thoroughly convinced myself that my prostate had some type of infection. Surely God this could not be cancer, I have had a physical every year. – Now, the hardest part, He sat down, looked me right in the eye and said, “You have aggressive prostate cancer.” There is no anger at this point, there is fear, and so many thoughts run through your mind, so many “Stop Signs,” so fast you cannot sort them out. First of all, who will take care of my sweet wife? Then, “This cannot be, I have not seen my grandchildren grow up.” What if I die? There is no question in my mind but that cancer “sucks.”

With no hesitation on my part, I told him to take it out. He advised that the scar tissue from the colon cancer surgery made it impossible to remove the prostate. He advised that my only choice was “radiation treatment.”

Cancer is a scary, horribly debilitating disease claiming millions of lives every year. Some things are so bad you just have to laugh about it. I entered my first day in the Oncology department with a great deal of apprehension and some embarrassment, until my wife reminded what women go through with an “OBGYN.” – After that I felt better.

I entered the “inner” waiting room which is reserved for patients and was immediately handed another one of those “gowns” to put on. I went into the changing room and changed. As I came out into the waiting room I noticed that there were about six men and five women reading magazines. I sat down between two “older gentlemen” and everything was quite for a while. One of them looked at me and said, “Prostate?” I said, “Yep.” He said, “Me too.” My treatment was for forty-four treatments, the maximum I could get, and I had great stress waiting for the first one.

The waiting room became a place to express emotions and to empathize and sympathize with the other patients. One of them told me that he used to think he would out live his cat, now he wasn’t so sure. Another told me that he went to buy a watch and one with a “life-time” warranty was $40 so he asked what about one with a one year warranty? Some were sad also. There was a wonderful woman in the waiting room every day also taking radiation therapy. She told me that she was supposed to have chemo therapy, but her daughter had asked her to wait so she wouldn’t lose her hair too soon, and ruin the wedding pictures. The waiting room became a place we could talk freely and say things we would not say in front of our families.

I finished my course of treatment, and actually received a diploma from the radiation staff. There are things that needed to be communicated for my peace of mind. Yes, Radiotherapy is done, one more hormone shot and I will have completed my treatment. My journey is not finished. My cancer seems to be gone, but who knows? There are no certainties, no guarantees. From time to time I feel a new pain someplace, and I wonder, “Has the cancer jumped there in that bone?”

My family and friends have helped me immensely in keeping my sense of humor and a positive outlook on life. My prostate may or may not be healed now. The radiology treatments were reasonably easy and took a relatively short time.

Recovery of my emotions, my soul, and my spirit will take longer. Some in my “special group” of caregivers are facing or will face the same decisions and fears that I faced. Everybody has to understand that cancer is an illness that not only affects the individual, but profoundly affects families and friends. The emotional needs need care as much as the physical needs. - - I know that my sweet wife has worried about me more than I worried about myself. - - Four years ago, my wife and my GP dragged me kicking and screaming to my first colonoscopy. It saved my life. There was a cancerous polyp, and surgery was scheduled within four weeks, and was successful! I love my sweet wife more than life itself. She is my sweetheart, and my best friend and I don’t like to see the hurt in her eyes as she worries about me and deals with her own demon, a brain aneurysm I wish I could help her.

Each checkup is one step further along the journey. There are no guarantees. How do you cope with that? How do you live with it? The answer is different for everyone as I found out in the waiting room of the cancer treatment center. Humor seemed to be the key for most of us although I do not know how much was “surface” humor. Coping with cancer is a verypersonal experience.

After a teary good bye with the “treatment staff” with a lot of hugs, I walked out of the Radiological treatment area, through the Atrium, and out toward the parking lot as I had done for the last 44 treatments. This time it was different. I was done. No coming back tomorrow. What happens now? Do I just fade away into the sunset? I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, or in five years. I can choose to worry and wring my hands or I can live with hope and humor. – That will be my choice.

I have received gifts through this cancer, gifts of love and compassion. I have received tremendous support from my family and my friends, some on this journey I have never physically met, but feel a close tie. Some on this journey I have not seen for fifty years, and yet corresponding with them has erased the years. –

There were some unexpected gifts I received from this cancer. It gave me awareness and introspective thought I had not noticed before. - - Was I the best husband I could have been? No, I do not think I was. I worked hard and I went to school at night, I don’t think I was much help. Somehow, during this time, my sweet wife managed to raise four children, each two years apart. I don’t know how you did it darling. I look back, and I look at our wonderful, grown children, each amazing and highly successful in their own right, raising families on their own and I see how truly amazing you were and are. - - - Was I the best father I could have been? I don’t think so. I believe I was too strict, and it is hard to hear that I was “mean.” I had been so busy, so focused on my narrow life, that I did not “see” what I should have seen. I did not stop and smell the roses. This has caused me much grief in recent years. Having said all of that, cancer has opened my awareness. I stopped judging myself so harshly, stopped trying to be perfect. You cannot “un-ring” a bell. I am going to enjoy life and all that comes. I will enjoy all of my grandchildren as much as I am able. I can’t worry about any of that any more. Cancer comes at you suddenly and fast with great determination.

All any of us ever have is right now, here, right now. And those moments are to be treasured and embraced. - - I don’t know what happens now, but whatever it is, it will be okay. I thank God and all of those who stayed with me, from the bottom of my heart for taking this part of the journey with me. If any of you somehow embark on a similar journey, make sure you stop and pick me up, I want to go with you! - - Remember, Cancer cures smoking, eventually.

Thank you so very much for visiting our website, discussing my experience with Prostate Cancer.

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Prostate Cancer - A Personal View

Prostate Cancer - A Very Personal View